I’m doing commentary, cos nobody who’s actually any good at it is available. I’m the furthest thing from a golf expert, but as long as they’re using primaries then I can just about cope with who’s playing with which balls.

I’ll also eavesdrop on other people, and steal their thoughts, claiming they’re mine.

If you’ve got any questions or whatever, you can email me at [email protected]

Anyway, I’ve missed the start, but I’m mostly following the final, obviously. I’ll also mention other games as and when.

So it’s 2 of the heroic English team who beat Spain last week at Roehampton. They both played in the Open Doubles as well, so you’d have to presume they both quite like croquet. And by the fact they didn’t postpone this final, it’s probably fair to assume they hate football.

I should mention the game at some point. I missed the first 10 mins or so, so I’ll mostly make this bit up. It was 1-1 in the first, with Stu taking the first hoop. I’m pretty sure Jamie then ran 3 from an angled N boundary. 2 good placements at 4 for Stu, Jamie’s clearance smacked Stu’s red into the hoop leaving it in easy position. Jamie missed a relatively easy 5 after Stu missed his clearance, Stu jawsed, Jamie hit the crossbar on his jump, Stu went halfway, Jamie knocked the ball out of 5 but not far. Stu jawsed a not-great hoop shot, Jamie’s jump dislodged it. Stu cleared, staying in front, Jamie didn’t, Stu cleared again, Jamie played in (probably couldn’t see it). Stu then missed a pretty easy hoop. Stu cleared blue but it hit black full ball and stayed in front-ish. Jamie cleared but didn’t stay in front. It’s hard to keep up cos they’re playing quickly!

Eventually Stu blobbed again, ending up on the wire. Jamie made it 3-2 with a li’l jump
A lot of centre ball clearances going on so far
Jamie’s B&B, Stu R&Y. Blue and red in front of 6, black plays in, Y us nearby, clearing blue…
Except it doesn’t. Black wasn’t in the way, but was near enough to put Stu off. Jamie runs the 1.5y slightly angled 6 gently.
I’m rubbish at guessing distances btw, so take whatever I say with a pinch of salt

A lot of interaction at H7 has allowed me to catch up, which is good as I started this commentary on the doubles one. Like some kind of idiot!

Jamie misses a clearance from S of leg on the W boundary, Stu runs 7 by a yard or so. All 4 balls take position at 8.

It’s killing me, not calling it 2B. Jamie just missed something but I wasn’t watching. Great commentating skillz!

Stu had taken great position at 8, Jamie’s miss was probably a failed jump. Stu makes it 4-4. Jamie black more than 45 degrees at 9, Y slightly deep, blue very good, red misses at black. Black attempt, fails.

Yellow fails. These hoops are still rock solid. Well done Southwick and Atkins!

Blue runs by a yard to make it 5-4.

About 20 spectators, 5 games going on in total. Blue misses the clearance on red from H9, red clears black to N boundary, not as far as H2. Jamie clears yellow. Red and yellow in front of 10 now, but neither great, as well as being on top of each other. Blue plays in to good position.

Red flicks yellow in front of the hoop. Jamie shooting at yellow from E boundary near 4, missed.

5-5. This typing is hard work - don’t know how Greggors does it!

Blue good at 11, red clears gentlyish. Black in, not great, yellow in better, blue was seemingly taking position but seems a few feet short. Maybe trying to stop the shot at black. Didn’t manage - black gets cleared to N boundary, but Jamie clears yellow anyway.

Stu shooting with red from C3. Misses. Not sure if Jamie will nestle here…

Nestle? Messtle more like. Doesn’t get it, Stu jumping. About 1y pretty straight.

Gets the jump to make it 6-5, Jamie in the hoop so plays through to just past peg. Black stuck behind 10. Red was W boundary, about level with H5, offside so goes to E boundary, takes good position. Black comes in close to red, yellow goes for a long hoop but misses, blue clears red to S, which misses clearance on black.

Um. Oops.

Told you I was bad at this. That was for the win, so I miscounted something. First game to The Silver Burch, 7-5.

It’s getting a bit windy, and there’s an occasional drizzle.

I’ll try some of that formatting stuff now.

Game 2

Meh. That didn’t work too well.

Stu starts game 2, overruns a bit. Black short and deep. Yellow is better, blue is straight and deep. Red clears black to just past midway on S.

Centre ball gentle clearance on Y by Black. Yellow comes back in for good position.

So Jamie blue just casually runs the 6y slightly angled hoop.

Bo3 btw

Nunns’s has joined me! Croquet fwend!

Black unlucky to bobble out from range, yellow maybe mis-hit from close. Blue dead in front, black in prime clearing/nestling position on yellow.

A lot of thought from JB there, nestles. Ah, blue is angled. Jawses.

Stu winding up for a 6y jump…

Misses the hoop. Jamie clears Y past Rover. I mean 5. Or 12. Y shoots anyway at the jawsed ball and just misses. Jamie runs 2 from the jaws, but not to the boundary, which is weird when Y is W of it.

Red okay at 3. Black misses at it, Y clears blue but not very hard, strangely. Blue missed red anyway. It’s 2-0 to Jamie btw.

Good H3 by Stu, to about peg high.

2-1

Look! I did some bold text!

Avery and Louise just shook hands. But I don’t know who won.

Stu went for the hoop from range with red, looked like a great shot but unlucky. Although it did block black perfectly. Jamie gets H4, making it 3-1.

Jamie’s put a jumper on. Must be getting serious! Stu follows suit.

Wind is picking up a bit. R&Y very good at 5, blocking B at R. Jamie attempts the hoop from S of 4 - good but no joy. Red runs, 3-2.

Is red behind the peg going to 6? Dom says no. Black not great, yellow okay, blue wibbles at the end to finish very close to Y.

I thought red would clear black there. Dom put me right. Stu went for 6 from S of peg. Hard to tell what Stu has with Y as it’s a bit stymied by Blue. Maybe in-off-ish?

Stu’s thinking. He’s nestled further on blue. Not sure black can run - it’s very close to the hoop, with red near C2. Jamie tickles blue, red misses, turns out black could run, and does. 4-2 to Jamie.

Yellow deemed before 7. Stu stops Hamie from playing the wrong ball for the second time in 10 mins. Jamie blue plays off Y to N of 7. R looks to have overrun, black deep, yellow looks very good.

Dunno who Hamie is.

Black smacks yellow, but into the hoop so doesn’t go far.

R&Y in control of the hoop.

Black clears yellow

Yellow went off next to blue, and has blocked it. Jamie clears Y to next to H8, with red basically in the jaws of 7!

Stu misses 7! Black clears red. Nobody near 7 now

Y doesn’t get position. Jamie thinks a while before taking on the hoop from N boundary, nearer 6 than 7! Bounces off.

Yellow to play, angled, but the only ball within 6y of the hoop.

Tries to jaws yellow, bounces out a little. Blue clears it.

R&Y now N boundary quite straight, black takes position. Y shooting.

At the hoop.

Bounces off to the W

Jamie attempting to blame red from 2-3 yards horizontal, fails, R clears black.

Reminder that Jamie leads 4-1, after winning the first 7-5. Sun is out now.

Black fails 7, ends on the wire. Yellow does the same on the other wire.

Blue takes position. Red clears blue. Not sure if that was the plan. Black bullies its way into the jaws, yellow very very close. Yellow moves back slightly. Jumpable while hampering black? Blue takes not-great position, red misses

Black runs 7 from the jaws to 1y straight in front of 8. Yellow still behind H7.

So unlucky! Y runs 7 cleanly, just misses black, bounces off the wire.

Poor hoop stroke with blac, bouncing off. Yellow 1 inch straight position. 4y slightly angled blue rejected.

Black cleared 4-5 yards.

Black clears Y

Stu attempts a 45ish degree hoop, no dice. Black also fails but runnable. Yellow centre balls blue, but only to W boundary.

Stu taking control of the hoop with some gentle clearances. Jawsing yellow after black takes position. Blue playing in.

Centre ball 7-8 yarder from Stu with red on black. He’s not been hitting those hard, but repeatedly dead centre. Black missed the ball in the jaws from near C1. 5-3 to Jamie.

Red promotes Y to straight deep at 9, good shot. But basically a 7 yarder…

Rejected. Blue runnable, but angled.

Runs it beautifully. 6-3. Not wanting to be biased, a Jamie win would suit me as my battery is dying fast!

Lovely angled H10 from Stu. 6-4.

Black perfect at 11

Yellow centres it

Blue not so perfect

Yellow only snicks blue, which then clears red to N boundary stating in front.

Red goes for the hoop and bounces off. Black takes close position. Y overruns from E boundary.

Blue takes the 8y clearance on red, gets it to the S boundary. Black right in front of 11 for the win. R needs something special…

@Nowhere near” says Stu as he hits it

Jamie Burch wins the Open Singles!

7-5 7-4

Bye then!